


Bishop's Knife Trick

by The_lazy_eye



Series: Take This To Your Grave [1]
Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Car Accidents, Emotional Baggage, Frottage, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Abuse, Porn With Plot, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, post college AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 06:10:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15333531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_lazy_eye/pseuds/The_lazy_eye
Summary: It has been six years since Eddie Kaspbrak left Derry, high on freedom laced with the potential for a new life, and never looked back.





	Bishop's Knife Trick

_These are the last blues we're ever gonna have_  
_Let's see how deep we get_  
_The glow of the cities below leads us back_  
_To the places that we never should have left_

It has been six years since Eddie Kaspbrak left Derry, high on freedom laced with the potential for a new life, and never looked back. His mother had been furious when he chose a college so far from home but she couldn’t stop him from leaving. She even drove him to his new city, lecturing him the entire drive. She talked at him for nine hours straight, “Eddie-bear, you just call me the second you’re homesick and I’ll buy a ticket on the next plane out,” “Oh, Eddie, I’m just going to miss you so much. What is your poor mother going to do without you?” “Eddie, baby, don’t talk to strangers. Philadelphia is a filthy, filthy place. There are so many diseases there. As soon as you’re settled in your dorm we need to go down to the nearest pharmacy and get you squared away.” He wasn’t even in Philadelphia, he was outside it. But minor details like that never mattered much to Sonia Kaspbrak. The only minor details she cared about were the kinds that could keep Eddie under her thumb. Not anymore, though. Oh no, not anymore.

Eddie, of course, had stopped listening after the first 30 minutes. Sonia could talk for the next nine hours, hell she could talk for the next six years! Eddie was free. He was going to be over five hundred miles away from home – away from her.

As it so happens, he stopped going home after the first year. Philly was amazing, it was everything he ever dreamed it could be. He could get anywhere he wanted in the entire city with $2.50 on his SEPTA card and there were endless things to do. Why would he ever go home? Eddie went home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break his first year. His mother was intolerable the whole time. He made her buy a round trip ticket each time because he knew if he didn’t she wouldn’t buy his ticket back and he’d be stuck there. By the time summer had rolled around he met a boy and moved into his apartment with him and his friends. His name was Adam and he was just what Eddie thought he needed at the age of 18. He got Eddie a job at the local Starbucks to help pay his share of the rent. So that first summer, Eddie lived in an apartment with six other people, worked his ass off, and decided Derry was nothing but a faint memory.

Now, Eddie is freshly 23 and thriving. He has his own apartment, a cat, two jobs, and a spot in a graduate program. Life wasn’t always this glamorous, but hey, minor details. He took after Sonia in that realm. He had almost everything he could ever have wished for.

Well, almost everything.

When he left Derry for his new life he had to leave some things behind. Some things he was more than happy to leave. He left his mother and his aunts. If he had it his way he would never see or speak to any of them again. More often than not, his mother attempted to get him to fly out to Maine. He always refused. There were some wounds that were not worth reopening.

He also left behind his old friends. He had a group of about seven total that he used to chum around with in the woods in his hometown. He hasn’t forgotten them, no he could never do that, but he has made great efforts to not think about them too much. He learned a long time ago that dwelling on the past would only bring him heartbreak. Against his best efforts, though, he still thinks about them from time to time. Bill Denbrough has become a writer and is making quite a name for himself. He has published two books, both of which sit proudly on Eddie’s bookshelf. Bev Marsh is somewhere in NYC designing clothing. He’s familiar with her work because his best friend and old roommate, Natalie, is big into fashion. When she found out Eddie knew Beverly she had a damn near conniption, begging Eddie on her hands and knees to introduce them. She was heartbroken when Eddie told her they don’t talk anymore. Sometimes people just fall out of contact. He had a vague idea that Stan was somewhere down south and Ben was designing buildings in Europe. Mike stayed in Maine. Why? Eddie will never know, but he was proud anyway. He was proud of all of his old friends. Each one of them seemed happy, they all made something for themselves. Even Richie Tozier.

Richie was currently the front man in a band touring the country called _Twenty-Seven Odd Elephants_. Eddie has no idea when Richie got into this band or how long they’ve been together. He does know that they’ve come to small venues in Philadelphia twice in the past four years. The first time they came around Eddie nearly had a panic attack. He would be in the same state as Richie Tozier. He would be less than an hour away from _Richie Tozier_. Eddie was a 19-year-old and in the spring of his sophomore year at the time. He didn’t tell anyone, especially Adam. The consequences of doing that were not worth the risk. The next time _Twenty-Seven Odd Elephants_ was in the Philly area was just last year. It was the summer before Eddie had turned 22. He bought tickets with Natalie but ended up bailing on the show. He told Natalie it was because he came down with a stomach bug and locked himself in the bathroom of their two-bed apartment.

Eddie had this fantasy of going to one of their shows and standing up near the stage. He would watch Richie play his guitar and croon into the mic. Halfway through the show they would lock eyes and Richie would sweep Eddie off his feet and whisk him away to a happily ever after.

Fantasies like these were the reason it was best to not think of Derry and the things he left behind. Eddie did not spend the last six years pressing his life forward for one night of careless fun to ruin it all. He knows _, he knows_ , that if he were to see Richie Tozier everything he’s been working toward will come crumbling down around him.

No, Eddie can’t let that happen. He’s working on a graduate degree, he’s got two jobs, and he’s finally got a stable life. He’s worked so goddamn hard to get to this point in his life and he is not going to ruin it now.

Currently, this exact point in his life involves him lying face down on his floor with Jellybean perched on his back. He just got home from work and was fucking exhausted. Eddie no longer worked for Starbucks, he quit that hellhole of a job years ago. When he was an undergrad he worked upwards of 60 hours per week between that job and another. His boss there refused to drop his hours down to a more reasonable rate, knowing that if she scheduled him he would find a way to get there and work. Eddie was 18, financially independent form his mother, hundreds of miles from home, and desperate for money. He would work any hours his old boss gave him. After two years of working there and several stress induced mental breakdowns he applied to live on campus as a resident assistant. He got the job and spent his senior year in charge of over seventy students. He loved every second of it. Being a resident assistant gave him the chance to be a leader, as well as put his psychology undergrad to work. He was known throughout campus for his amazing roommate mediation skills and often had kids from all over campus stop in his room to talk to him about everything and anything under the sun.

Eddie truly blossomed in college, despite the stress from money and work. When he was a freshman he was completely closed off and anxious. He made some bad choices and dated some bad people (one, one bad person). His anxiety got the better of him until his sophomore year when he started seeing a therapist. From that point on it was like he was a new person. He joined a fraternity, became the president of that fraternity, became the president for the gay club on campus, and sat on basically every board he could get his ass on. He was a chairman on the Student Government Board, three different honor societies, the Inter Greek Council, the Minority Relations Council, the Homecoming Committee, you name it and Eddie Kaspbrak was on it. In his junior year, Eddie ended his relationship and with Adam and moved in with Natalie. Eddie had met Natalie at an inter-Greek mixer when he was pledging and hit it off immediately. Eddie was pledging Alpha Phi Omega, a community service based, co-ed fraternity that was strictly anti-hazing. Natalie was pledging Delta Epsilon Beta. Even though they weren’t in the same organization they quickly considered themselves brother and sister.  

Eddie’s involvement is a part of the reason he received his scholarship at the same institution he got his bachelors in. Eddie was so well known and so well liked by the time he was a senior the school offered him his Master’s on a silver platter. Hell, Natalie’s father was the Vice President of the school. If networking was a game, Eddie won first prize.

His summer semester of graduate school had just wrapped up last week. Luckily, his summer courses were only six weeks long. Not so luckily, six-week graduate courses were _hell_. Eddie wasn’t thinking about that now, though. He was free until the beginning of September and he planned on enjoying it has much as possible.

Right now, though, Eddie was trying to plan what he was going to have for dinner. Jellybean was purring away on top of him, centered on his lower back. He knew if he stood up she would just hop off and follow him into the kitchen, but sometimes the floor was comfortable, okay? And sometimes Eddie was lazy. He was allowed to be tired and lazy and lay on the floor of his apartment.

He wasn’t sure how long he was laying on the floor when he heard the familiar sound of keys in his lock. At some point he drifted off, lightly touching sleep with his mind. Work had been exhausting. He spends most of his days making food at a local quickshop and supervising his coworkers. He loves the pace and loves his role there. Sometimes, though, it takes a toll.

“Eddie, are you – Jesus, what the fuck?”

He heard her, he just refused to acknowledge her. He felt Jellybean quickly leap off his back and to go to the intruder. Backstabber.

“Eddie Kaspbrak get off the fucking floor right now. We have plans!”

He groaned, pushing himself to lay on his back. When he opened his eyes, he found Natalie crouching right over him, her dark hair spilling over her shoulders. Her smile said I love you but her eyes said business.

“Fine, yeah, okay. God, can’t a guy just nap on the privacy of his living room floor without his ex-roommate breaking in and threatening him?”

“Get fucked, Kaspbrak. First, you’re the one who told me to keep the other key. Second, you’re the one who asked me to dinner tonight. Third, it’s almost 6pm. And I thought I was the asshole for being late.” Natalie ranted at him. She stood up and scooped Jellybean into her arms. The cat was purring like a madman now, eyes closed and tail swishing languidly back and forth. _Traitor_.  

Eddie shot a quick glare at Jellybean before hoisting himself off the ground and throwing a practiced middle finger in the direction of Natalie. Eddie had lived with Natalie on and off for a few years. When him and Adam broke up there was some time between that apartment and moving back onto campus where Eddie would have been homeless had Natalie not offered him her spare bedroom. When Eddie graduated, the two had agreed to resume their living arrangements. They fit well together. Eddie worked first shift while Natalie worked second, so they each got their personal space. They would often request to have the same days off each week so they could actually see each other.

Natalie was the kind of friend a person does not find often. She has seen Eddie in some of his lowest moments. When things with Adam were at their worst, Natalie would drive past their apartment to make sure Eddie was alive. She has held Eddie through panic attacks, heartbreak, drunken emotional breakdowns, you name it. She never once let go. Eddie has been there for Natalie, too, but he really does believe she is the golden standard for friendship. Sure, maybe he would have survived the last few years without her but it would have been a hell of a lot harder.

A couple months prior, Natalie had moved out and given the apartment to Eddie. She was making the next step with her girlfriend, Erica. It broke Eddie’s heart to see her go but it was satisfying living alone. The space was his. He had control over how the apartment looked, how many dishes were in the sink, and what happened inside of it.

After washing up and throwing on a quick change of clothes, the two found themselves in town at their favorite restaurant, a small Thai place not far from Eddie’s apartment. It’s a nice time, all things considered. At one point, Eddie can barely breathe he’s laughing so hard. It’s a nice evening with good food and a better friend.

“Oh, Eddie. We need to get you out of the house more. Maybe get you on a blind date.” Natalie waggled her eyebrows at Eddie from across the table, noodles hanging from her mouth.

“Natalie, I don’t have time for boys. We’ve been over this.”

“No, my love. You _didn’t_ have time. You have plenty now! Its officially summer, which means there’s always room for a mindless summer fling!”

“Natalie –”

“Eddie! You’d been single for an entire year.” She was right.

“Yes, single and happy,” be bites back, avoiding her eyes.

“Look, babe. I know what happened was rough, I get it. I just think you should go out and meet some new people. Flirt a little! It might even out your track record.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Eddie rolled his eyes.

“Nothing bad, stop reading so deep into it,” She rolled her eyes back at him just as hard. “Erica has this friend, Chad…” She rattled off at him for a couple more minutes, the night winding down.

Eddie promised her that he would think about Chad and kissed her goodnight before heading inside.

The next couple days pass similarly. Eddie works, both his job at the shop and a small office job he works part time on the side, comes home, has dinner, and relaxes. He goes out for drinks a few times and sees Natalie when they’re both free. Jellybean is ever-present by his side when he goes home. She is a constant force of all that is good in the world. He does end up getting Chad’s number from Natalie. The date goes okay, well enough for Eddie to end up in Chad’s living room at the end of the night. He was perched awkwardly on the couch while Chad shuffled around in the kitchen, coming back with two glasses of water. Eddie thanked him. Chad smiled softly at him, flicking on the movie they agreed to watch together.

They both settled back into the couch and let the movie press forward. Chad, unsurprisingly, slipped his arm around Eddie’s shoulder and settled into him. It wasn’t entirely unpleasant. Eddie found himself less and less interested in the movie. He slipped into his thoughts, drifting away.

_They both sat on the edge of Eddie’s bed, the only light in the room cast from the desk lamp in the corner of the room. They were 16 and Eddie couldn’t stop starring at him. The light danced across his face, shadows rose and fell over the curve of his nose, the hollows of his eyes, his cheekbones. He was gorgeous. Eddie didn’t care if he was caught. Let him be caught! Let him lock his eyes with Eddie’s. Maybe, just maybe he feels the same way. Maybe if they catch eyes the tension will finally break and –_

_“So, Eds. What about you?” Wait, what was he talking about? “We all know I’m going out to California. Where are you gonna go?”_

_Oh. College. Right._

_“I don’t know, Richie. I haven’t thought much about it yet. My mom wants me to stay in Maine, go to community college.” Eddie stated, matter of fact._

_“Fuck that! You gotta get out of this shit-hole town. Never come back. You should come out to the west coast, with me.” Richie said, sounding so sincere Eddie could have melted there. And yeah, sure, he thought about it. He could apply to the same school as Richie, follow him across the country. He could follow Richie to the ends of the Earth, live in his shadow. Hope a hopeless dream that someday Richie could love him back._

_In the end, Eddie did get out of that shit-hole town and never went back._

Before the movie is halfway over Eddie feels Chads hand on his thigh. He knows where this is going, he knew a while ago. Chad was a sweet boy and the date really was good, but he was also the type of boy to take you back to his place and put the moves on you. Eddie knows he could say no, he could shift away or depart early and it would be okay. Chad is sweet like that.

The following morning Eddie drives back to his apartment on the other side of town and takes a quick shower. The hot water feels amazing against his skin, relaxing the slight ache in his lower back. When Natalie calls him around noon to ask about the date he tells her it was nice. He leaves out the part where he went back to Chad’s apartment for a very adult sleepover. She’ll find out eventually, he just wants to enjoy his day off.

He doesn’t think he’ll see Chad again.

Everything up until this point had been going swimmingly in Eddie’s life. Even minor details such as blind dates. But that’s always when everything starts to go wrong in life, isn’t it?

Eddie is at work when he gets the call. He misses it and the number leaves a cryptic voicemail. He gets it roughly five hours after the fact.

“Eddie Kaspbrak, this is the Sheriff Jason McCall. There has been an accident involving your mother, Sonia Kaspbrak. It’s best if you call me back as soon…” Eddie doesn’t hear the rest of the message. He might have if he continued to hold his phone against his face but it was currently clattering to the ground in the breakroom of his workplace. A well-meaning coworker by the name of Daniel attempts to say something, reaching for Eddie only to have his hand knocked away.

Eddie leaves the store as quick as he can. He speaks briefly with his manager and is taken off the schedule indefinitely, until he returns. He calls his other job when he gets in the car. By the end of that phone call he is relieved of his position entirely.

It’s shaping up to be a great day.

At a stop light he shoots a text to Natalie. It simple, an emoji. It’s a small, red triangular flag perched on a small flagpole. It’s a warning sign that the two created back when they met. It could be used for a plethora of reasons: help I am having an emotional crisis, help I am having a bad day, help I am sad and I want to talk about things, help I’m in danger.

Eddie has used it for that final reason more times than he wants to admit. As a result, Natalie is fast as lightening. He’s hardly gone two blocks when his phone is buzzing in the console, notifying Eddie of message after message he’s received.

_Natalie [3:37pm]: Are you okay??_  
_Natalie [3:38pm]: Where are you_  
_Natalie [3:38pm]: Tell me you’re safe_  
_Natalie [3:39pm]: Please tell me you’re safe please tell me it isn’t Adam_

He stops at the next stop sign and shoots her a quick reassurance that, yes, he is safe, no, he is not okay. He gets home and he isn’t even in the door for five minutes when Natalie is keying into the apartment, frantic and worried. She finds him on his couch with Jellybean in his lap. His vacant stare does nothing to ease her worries.

She shuts the door behind her with a soft click, standing in the door for several moments before toeing off her shoes and stepping inside. She quietly pads over to Eddie and sits. They’ve done these enough for her to know he needs space. He texted her to come over so he isn’t going to leave her in the dark. He just needs time.

It’s a few minutes before she hears him speak. His voice is soft and croaking slightly. “I have to go home,” he says. Nothing more, nothing less. She reaches over and grabs his hand and squeezes lightly, reassuring. She doesn’t ask. Whatever it is must be heavy. Eddie had told her about home. Over the years he had slowly spilled his guts about his mother and his fake illness and the Stockholm shit she tried to pull with him. He told her how hard he fought to finally be free. He could have gone back at any time, he could have gone back after Adam, but he stayed. If that wasn’t enough to show how serious he was about never returning she didn’t know what was.

_“Eddie! Fucking hell! You worthless piece of shit!” He was drunk. 4 o’clock in the afternoon and Adam was absolutely plastered. This was something of the new normal, and if by new you meant ongoing for roughly a year. Eddie isn’t sure when it started, too many nights spent holding Adam as he cried in the bathroom, too many times waking up to an empty bed and finding Adam passed out on the kitchen floor._

_A plate shattered on the wall several feet to the left of Eddie. Eddie didn’t move, didn’t even flinch. He stared straight ahead at the wall right past Adams looming form._

_Great. They were running low on ceramic dishes._

_Adam was big, staggering around the living room and screaming about how Eddie hadn’t washed the dishes. Eddie had spent all morning in classes and all afternoon at one of his jobs. Adam had apparently spent all day dipping into a bottle Eddie had been promised was no longer in the house. Adam had lost his job roughly a month ago due to too many unexcused absences and the financial responsibility of the apartment now rested solely on Eddie’s shoulders. He wasn’t disappointed, he wasn’t scared. He didn’t really feel much of anything except exhaustion anymore. Adam wasn’t always like this. Adam could be sweet and loving and kind. He was just going through some shit right now. This was nothing they couldn’t get through together. Adam needed him._

_This was what Eddie had been telling himself for the past year._

_Adam wouldn’t touch him, not today. Eddie was sure of this. This was their dance, their lovers tango. They would fight (Adam would yell at Eddie, Eddie would take it), then they would eat dinner. By 7pm Adam would be passed out on the bed or couch or bathroom floor and Eddie would do his homework. Then he would go to bed, wake up, and do it all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat. If things got out of control there were safeties in place._

“There was some kind of car accident. She’s in the ICU. Doctors say its serious and my aunts say I need to be there to help get her affairs in order. Y’know, the estate and shit.” Eddie says after what feels like hours of silence, but it most likely ten minutes. He had been sitting there, completely absorbed in his thoughts.

“I’m so sorry,” Natalie whispers. She slipped her hand in his somewhere in those last ten minutes and was squeezing it tightly. “Do you want me to come with you?”

“No,” he says. There’s no force behind his voice, but his tone shows that there is no room for arguing.

“What can I do for you?” His hand is like a vice on hers. When she glances over at him his eyes are shut tight. He’s wrapped up in his sky-blue APO hoodie, his favorite. The stitching is black and the letters are a deep red. Eddie had run to Natalie’s dorm at 2am the night he got it. It was his initiation night into his fraternity. He was so happy, it was like he was floating on air. Natalie and Eddie had spent countless night wrapped up in their official letters, bingeing junk food and watching Netflix. This hoodie is not meant for sad days and bad memories. This hoodie is meant for happy tears and late-night talks and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Not this. Never this.

“You came,” he croaks at her. When he opens his eyes, tears spill over the rims. “You came and that’s all I need.”

They spend the next few hours wrapped up on the couch. Natalie puts on mindless Netflix shows while they alternate between Eddie’s tears and soft-spoken conversations. Eddie knows in that moment that he loves her. She is endless in his life, eternal.

Natalie stays the night with him. They fall asleep together on the couch with Friends on in the background. Eddie spent the evening into the night talking with her about his childhood. He tells her things he knows she already knows. He talks about his mother a lot. Sonia, how she used to keep him locked up for weeks at a time. The endless hospital visits. The inhaler. He tells her that it’s funny how he never wanted to speak to her again, but now that she’s dying he only wants to hear her voice.

He talks about his friends. Six blessed souls who loved him and he loved back. He tells her they are the reason he survived. He tells her how much he regrets cutting those ties when he left.

“Those friends,” he had said, “don’t get me wrong, Natalie. I love you and no one could replace you, either. But they’re irreplaceable.”

When she asked him why he did it he grew quiet. “Sometimes,” he said, “we have to do something that’s right for ourselves. And sometimes we have to pay a price for it.”

_“Eddie!” Richie came tumbling into his room, laughing wildly and waving an official looking letter in his hand. “I got in! I did it! Richie Tozier takes California!”_

_Eddie had known he would do it. Richie was a straight A student, if admissions didn’t accept him they wouldn’t be worth going to, anyway. All of the Losers were rooting for each other in their search for college placements. Bev was going to New York, Bill was going to some college in Maine, Ben was going to Chicago. Richie was going to California, the furthest away._

_Eddie was happy, he was. He was so, so fucking proud of Richie he could feel it pulsing through his veins. He could also feel his heart cracking under weight of heartbreak. Richie was going to California._

_“That’s great, Rich! I’m so proud of you!” He cheered. Mrs. K was out for the night and they could be as loud as they wanted to be._

_“You know, Eds, it isn’t too late. I know you got that acceptance letter from that school in Philly but you could still apply. You could still come with me.”_

The next morning, she leaves, but not before making sure Eddie is okay. They make pancakes together and eat in silence. He walks her to the door and kisses her cheek. She kisses his forehead and holds him tight. They stand like that, embracing in his doorway for longer than they should. When Eddie pulls away Natalie scrubs her face with both hands, whipping small tears from the corners of her eyes. She tells him to call her if he needs and text her every second he can. She can be up there quick. She would come for him if she needs to.

The rest of the morning is a blur. His aunts bought him a ticket on a 5pm flight out of Philadelphia so he packed up his essentials. He brought enough clothes for two weeks, figuring he could do laundry is absolutely necessary, and some personal hygiene stuff. He checked himself for his phone, wallet, and keys before heading out the door.

To say Eddie was calm would have been a bold-faced lie. There was more dread and anxiety coursing through his veins than ever before and he wished so desperately that Jellybean could have made the trip with him. He would have driven if it meant having her at his side. For all intents and purposes, she was his emotional support animal. She helped him through countless anxiety attacks and sleepless nights. She curled in his lap when he cried and gave him something to focus on. She was in tune with his emotions. Was Eddie having a bad day? Jellybean was there, winding her way through his legs. Was Eddie having an anxiety attack? She would come to him and purr insistently, making him pet her, making him use his hands for something other than picking at his own skin. She grounded him. Eddie had gotten her when he was at one of his lowest points. He remembers coming home with Jelly to Adam, begging and begging to keep her. After they split, when Eddie was an RA on campus, he got approved for her to live in the dorms with him. She was all that is good and pure in the world.

_Every time Eddie comes home, she’s there. Well, of course she’s there. She lives there, too, and there are doors to keep her inside. If Eddie came home one day to find his precious Jellybean missing he would all but flip his shit. He would call the police, file a missing child report. He would call the news, plaster his apartment complex and surrounding neighborhoods with missing cat signs. He would even fucking sleep outside trying to find her. She is his joy. She is his life. She is who he provides for. She is currently sitting on the windowsill amongst Eddie’s plants. She tilts her head back and turns slightly onto her back to look at him when he walks through the door._

_“And how’s my little Jelly Belly doing today, huh?” he coos as he approaches the window. She responds with a gentle prrrt and blinks slowly up at him. Eddie, because he completely and utterly in love with her, slowly blinks back._

_This is how it goes for them. Eddie comes home for work or school or wherever he is, Jellybean purrs and meows and blinks up at him. He fixes his dinner and then gives her a can of food so they can eat together. They curl up on the couch together. Eddie sleeps and she is somewhere in the room. Where Eddie is, Jellybean is._

_Like most days, Eddie walks through his door and spots Jellybean lounging around the apartment. She immediately prrrts her way over to him, staring up at him with her big, round eyes. He scoops her up into his arm and begins to settle in the apartment. He kicks his shoes off, sets his keys down, and pads over to the couch in the living room. Jellybean jumps out of his lap almost immediately and settles herself on the floor in front of the door. She sits there, staring at it expectantly as if another Eddie is going to come walking through the door any minute. Eddie, naturally, hops off the couch and settles himself on the ground. He lays down next to her and runs his fingers through her fur, watching her watch the door. They stay like this for a few minutes and Eddie wonders what the hell she’s doing. Jellybean just meows gently. She usually loves their one on one time. This is always around the time he clicks on Law and Order and the two of them binge on dinner, snacks, and crime television._

_The telltale sound of keys in his lock signify the arrival of Natalie and boots Eddie out of his own head. The door swings open, Jellybean jumping out of the way excitedly, and Natalie goes to step in. She stops, startled at the sight of her best friend laying on his stomach right beside the door._

_“Uh, Eddie?” She asks, stepping over him._

_“I think my cat knows the secrets to the universe, she just can’t communicate them properly.” He murmurs, rolling onto his back to stare up at him. “It’s like she knew you were coming. We’ve been down here for like ten minutes now.”_

_“Oh, yeah. That makes this situation a whole lot less weird,” she rolls her eyes and continues into his apartment. “I brought over some Ben and Jerry’s. You know they should really rebrand it to Natalie and Eddie’s because we eat so much of this fucking shit._

_Eddie snorts, “Yeah, imagine our faces on pints of ice cream, in every store in the country.”_

_“Eddie, please. We’re so beautiful we would boost sales up by like two hundred percent.” She says through giggles. She leans down to scoop up Jellybean. The cat just blinks at her once and starts her engine, purring away. “So, Jellybean, tell me. What are the winning lottery numbers. Meow once for no, twice for yes.”_

But right now, she isn’t there. Eddie is alone, returning to his old home. He’s being forced to face his past, cold and alone.

He orders a drink on the flight to calm himself down and lets the warm liquid sink into his nerves. The flight from there on out is rather uneventful. The real fun doesn’t begin until the wheels touch down in Bangor. Eddie immediately feels his lungs constrict and he curses himself for it. it’s been years since he’s needed his inhaler. He’s spent almost ten years training himself out of using it and here he is, touching down in Maine, chest closing in on him and panic seizing his breathe.

Shakily, he dismounts from the plane, collects his luggage, and makes his way to the lobby where one of his aunts is scheduled to pick him up. She’s there, in all of her rotund glory, holding a sign that reads in large, bold letters _Edward Kaspbrak._

Eddie sighs, still short of breath, and walks with as much confidence as he can over to her. She wraps him up in a gentle, but firm hug almost immediately.

“Eddie, dear, I’m so sorry you have to come home under such circumstances,” she whispers into his hair. “I got you something, to ease the pain a little bit.” She pulls back from him slowly and reaches into her pocket. She pulls out a small set of car keys. “It’s parked at your mom’s house waiting for you. You can drive it wherever you want as long as you’re here.”

It’s that moment Eddie remembers how much he enjoys his Aunt Terry. She loved him in all of the ways his mother did not. Her love was not all consuming, it was gentle and patient. He feels bad, all of the years in between them had distorted his view on her. Not everything Derry has to offer is tainted and sinister. Not every encounter is a ghost story.

But there are plenty of ghosts still haunting the streets.

It’s too late in the evening to visit his mother in the ICU when they get back to Derry, so Eddie takes it upon himself to go food shopping for his stay. His mother’s house (his house soon, he bitterly reminds himself) has practically no food in it save for breakfast items and roughly ten TV dinners in the freezer. He goes to the safe tucked away in her closet and is surprised with how easily he remembers the combination. He grabs $50 and heads out to the store.

He wanders into the frozen foods isle, checking in various freezers for low commitment food. He bought some chicken and some sides to cook, couscous and rice and whatnot, but he knows he’s not going to be able to cook real food every single night.

“Eddie Kaspbrak, in the flesh! And to what to I owe this honor, huh?” a loud, familiar voice sneered, causing him to drop the frozen pizza he was holding. “I can’t believe I’m the one to witness your graceless return.”

Richie Tozier was standing roughly ten feet away from him, tall, dark, and definitely handsome. His dark jeans hug his hips in ways they couldn’t when they were 18. He has a black shirt with a blue flannel on over top. He is just as beautiful as the last day Eddie saw him. It practically knocks the wind right out of him. He had daydreamed about when he and Richie would be reunited, though he never believed it would actually happen. They would run into each other’s arms and Richie would spin him around like he did when they were kids. He wants that now, wants to run full force into Richie, but he doesn’t. Richie isn’t standing there with open arms. His eyes are a cold ice blue locked onto Eddie’s. He’s looming in the frozen foods section. If Eddie had the words to describe it, Richie was almost threatening.

“Richie, I –”

“Save it Kaspbrak.” Richie says, tone clipped and short. Eddie just stands there, shocked. He doesn’t remember this Richie. The Richie that lives on in his memories is soft, goofy, and loud. This Richie, he’s nothing like that. This Richie is cold. His jawline sharpened out and his eyes are unwelcoming. “How could you fucking do that? Just up and leave? Disappeared off to god knows where and change your fucking number? You broke my heart – you broke all of our fucking hearts!”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, doesn’t fight back, it isn’t worth it. He knows what he did. It wasn’t immediate, no. Not at first. It’s not like he had already made his decision upon leaving Derry. It took him months to cut the rope. His replies and phone calls became sparse, he stopped writing letters. He broke his own fucking heart, but he had to do it. He couldn’t keep up, he couldn’t take it. He saw them all living their lives, enjoying every second. He saw Richie in California, sun kissed skin and pictures of girls with hickies on their necks. It almost ruined him. Not to mention Adam and his jealousy over the other six. It was too much to handle and Eddie cried all the way to the Verizon store and all the way home for a week after he did it.

 _“Holding onto the post isn’t good for you, Eddie. You need to hold onto the present, the_ future. _” Adam whispers into his ear. “I love you, Eddie. Fuck, I love you so much.”_

_Eddie’s back arches off the bed, Adam thrusting into him hard and fast. “No one loves you like I do, Eddie, no one ever will. I’ll love you until the end of time.” he groaned out against Eddie’s neck. “Say it, Eddie-bear.”_

_“I love you,” Eddie whimpered, he could feel the heat pooling in his stomach. Adam knew the words it took to get him off. Eddie hadn’t felt this loved in months, not since he came to college. He gone from all of the love to nothing. Adam, inside and around him, ignited his skin like fire._

_“My name, Eddie. Say my name.”_

_“Adam!” he cried. Adam thrust roughly into him one, two, three times with Eddie chanting his name, before cumming hard and hot into his condom. He stilled completely, gasping and moaning. When he pulled out and rolled over, Eddie pumped himself to completion for Adam to watch._

They stood there, starring at each other for what felt like seven eternities. For the thousandth time since his arrival in Maine, Eddie felt his chest constrict. His breathe became short and his eyes began to burn. Still, he kept his eye contact with Richie. Brown eyes locked with blue, even as his lip begins to tremble, even has the tears well up and threaten to spill over, even has Eddie nervously clenches and opens his hands, picking at the skin around his thumbs.

Richie moves to leave, turns around and faces his back to Eddie. Eddie can see the way his fists are clenched and the way his shoulders are pulled taut. The first of his tears spill over then, with Richie facing away from him. At least he got to keep his dignity as Richie stalked off from whence he came, down and out the frozen foods isle.

It takes Eddie a moment to collect himself, whipping furiously at his face and steadying his breathing. When he’s calmed enough to continue, he picks up the remaining food he’s going to need for the week and checks out.

His encounter with Richie in the store left him entirely shaken. For all he knew all of them were here. He wouldn’t be able to handle that if it were true.

When he gets home he doesn’t cook. He unloads his groceries and luggage from the car and settles himself down inside. The house is unremarkable, it hasn’t changed since he left. He pulls out some blankets from the hall closet and settles down on the couch. He turns on the TV, already set to GSN, and falls asleep quickly.

Eddie wakes up at around 9am the following morning. His routine is simple, he wakes up, makes himself some eggs, and calls his Aunt Terry. She gives him the information he needs for the hospital and he leaves shortly after.

His mother is, for lack of a better term, completely fucked up. When he walks into the hospital room he hardly even recognizes her. Her face his bruised and various parts of her body are covered in medical bandages. Her skin has a sickly yellow tint and the fat on her bones looks like it’s melting into the hospital bed. The doctors have placed her on life support, ventilators and machines hooked up all around her. Her breathing is unnaturally mechanical, the rise of her chest stutters with the whirling of the machines around her. Her pulse is monotonous, like a metronome click out the beat for a high school band practice. He’s thankful the room is _so loud_ , it drowns out his thoughts.

She looks so harmless like this, bound by wires. She is nothing like the mother he knew back when. He walks slowly over to her and takes her hand in his. She is not cold, like he thought she would be, but it’s strange nonetheless.

“Ma, it’s me, Eddie-bear.” He tries, knowing she’s not going to respond to him. He isn’t even aware he’s crying until he feels something wet drip into his hand. “I came home.”

The days blur together. Eddie texts Natalie only a few times, telling her he needs time and will probably be distant. This whole experience is overwhelming for him. Its emotionally exhausting. He visits the hospital for a few hours each day, sometimes his aunts are there. They talk about the logistics for a funeral and the legal matters surrounding the deed to the house and her will. Eddie meets with funeral directors and picks out a plot for his mother at the Derry Town Cemetery. She isn’t dead yet, no, but the doctors say the forecast is grim.

After about a week in Derry, Eddie finally decides to inspect the house. As per the will, the house will fall into his name and he’s going to need to decide what to do with it when the time comes.

He walks through the lower level slowly, looking into each of the rooms. He hadn’t yet ventured further than the kitchen, living room, and bathroom. Everything was exactly how he remembered it. His mother had the same table in the dining room and the same crystal on display in the hutch. Everything was covered in a thick layer of dust and Eddie wondered if anyone had dusted the house since he left. He wanders through the hall and up the stairs, stopping outside of his mother’s room.

He could go in, but he doesn’t. He hasn’t gone in since he needed cash from his mother’s safe. He pressed forward onto his own bedroom. He stops outside of there, too, before resting his hand on the doorknob. He knows the inside of the room is going to be identical to when he left it. Sonia wouldn’t mess up her son’s room, not with the infantilized hope he would return one day.

Well, here he is. Her prayers have been answered.

He pushes the door open, fully expecting to step into the past. What he isn’t ready for is one Richie Tozier sitting on the edge of his bed and the window completely open.

“So, I wasn’t hallucinating in the middle of a Whole Foods.” Richie says, breaking the stunned silence. Eddie, like before, says nothing in response. He just takes in the sight of Richie on his childhood bed. Its comical, really. The last time Richie was on his bed he was already all arms and legs and he dwarfed the twin mattress. His parents had to get him a full-sized bed sometime during junior year because of Richie’s insane growth spurts.

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asks. His bewilderment outweighs any other question he might have for Richie.

Richie’s motor mouth starts off, talking without taking a breath between sentences. “I’m in town visiting my parents. I’m in a band now, we’re taking a small break before continuing on tour. I wanted to come by that night but I didn’t think I would find you here. I was just so,” _angry_ “confused, I think. Plus, I didn’t want to deal with Mrs. K. She’s not home, is she?”

At this, Eddie falters, stepping into the room without shutting the door. “Actually, funny story, she’s dying.” he says softly. He feels the exhaustion of the past week creeping up on him. His bones are breaking under the pressure.

“Oh, shit, Eds. I’m so sorry,” Richie says, reaching for Eddie once he gets close enough. Eddie doesn’t recoil the way he expects himself to. He reaches back for Richie and their touch ignites something in his skin, something he hasn’t felt for years. Richie’s eyes are so soft, softer than before. His voice is laced with concern and sympathy. This is the Richie Eddie knows, this is the boy from his childhood.

He ends up launching himself onto the bed and into Richie’s arms. Every emotion he thought he had smothered over the past six years bubbles back up to the surface. Every drop of wanting, every ounce of regret. His heart never healed, it hasn’t stopped breaking in years, he just learned how to tune the pain out. Richie doesn’t hesitate, he just wraps Eddie up and falls backwards with the smaller boy on his chest.

“No, Richie, _I’m_ sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I left – I left you guys. I fucking vanished and I didn’t come back and I just left.” Eddie sobs into Richie’s chest. “I’ve missed you so fucking much I’m such a fucking dick.”

Richie shushes into Eddies hair, kissing the top of his head and holding onto him tightly. Eddie continues to grab at Richie, anywhere he can reach. He claws at his chest and back, desperate to get closer. His tears soak into Richie’s Henley and he finds himself straddling Richie’s thighs shamelessly. He saps Richie of every bit of comfort he can get.

“It’s okay, Eddie,” Richie soothes, running one hand over Eddie’s back and the other through his hair. They stay like this for a while, until Eddie’s sobs die out. Richie keeps him in his arms, murmuring soft nothings into his hair. He tells Eddie he forgives him, that he loves him, that he’s missed him.

“I’ve missed you, Richie,” he hiccups in response, pulling his head back and staring into Richie’s eyes. The gaze is intense, every single emotion boils over in Eddie’s eyes while Richie’s tell a tale of unknown desperation. Eddie isn’t sure what comes over him. Maybe it’s the past decade of repressed emotions, maybe it’s the thrill of having Richie here again. Maybe his inhibitions are shot down from the emotional turmoil of the past week. Maybe Eddie feels the temporary weight of them in the universe. Nothing is forever, nothing can ever hope to test the sands of time.

He reaches up and cups Richie’s cheek and is surprised when Richie does the same to him.

“Eds,” Richie voice wavered. He makes no move to continue his thought and Eddie doesn’t really give him a chance. He leans in and captures Richie’s mouth. It isn’t graceful like in his fantasies. It’s bumpy and their lips slot together at an odd angle. Richie meets him with enthusiasm and it becomes all teeth and spit. Eddie grabs onto Richie’s face with both hands and Richie slides his free hand up Eddie’s side.

Richie feels like heaven on his mouth. He tastes like every holy scripture he’s ever read. Richie’s hands trailing through his hair and up his sides sends sparks every which way in his body. Eddie never imagined this. Well, he’s imagined _this_ but never entertained the idea as possible. Richie had grown into a rather attractive boy in their teen years. Nothing stopped him from getting some if he wanted to. He lost his virginity during their sophomore year and when Eddie found out he felt like his entire world crumbled beneath his feet. Any hope that Richie could be gay was thrown out of the window right then and there.

"Eddie,” Richie broke the kiss, “tell me to stop.” Eddie didn’t talk, he didn’t trust his voice. He pressed his face in close to Richie’s, eyes still screwed shut, and shook his head.

Richie whined, he fucking _whined_ , into Eddie’s mouth and continued his assault. Eddie wound his fingers tight into Richie’s hair and pulled, eliciting a soft groan from Richie’s mouth. Eddie consumed it, he consumed everything Richie was giving him. Every touch, every sound, every movement.

Things were escalating quickly. Eddie felt like he was on auto pilot. His body took control over the situation and his hips rocked down into Richie’s repeatedly only to find that Richie was already hard in his jeans. Richie grips Eddie’s hips like a vice in response and breaks the kiss a second time.

“Tell me to stop, Eddie.”

Eddie couldn’t do that, not now. Not when he was living out his own fantasies.

“I can’t tell you to do something I don’t want you to do,” Eddie responded, voice wrecked. This time he opened his eyes and locked with Richie. “I’ve wanted this for so long Rich you’ll never know.”

That’s all it takes for the dam to break, leaving the two boys as the fortunate victims in the oncoming flood.

They kiss and kiss and kiss and moan and grip and touch. It’s hot and heavy in the air with a hint of desperation. They take their time time with each other. Richie explores the inside of Eddie’s mouth. Eddie gets his hands underneath Richie’s shirt and traces the patters of his chest and stomach. Eddie stays in Richie’s lap for a while, grinding their hips together occasionally. He knows if they go to fast it will be over soon. Eddie can feel the heat in his stomach, in his skin, behind his eyes. He swears he’s never wanted anything more than Richie against him like this.

When Eddie yanks on his hair for a second time Richie lets his head fall back and lets out an obscene moan. Eddie takes this as an opportunity to drag his lips down Richie’s neck. He bites the tender flesh before soothing the sting over with his tongue. When he gets to the junction of Richie’s neck and shoulder he bites down, hard, sucking and coming away to the sight of a dark purple bruise forming on the flesh. Richie moaned his way through it, careless for the volume of his voice. The house was empty, anyway. It didn’t actually matter.

Eddie kissed his way back up Richie’s neck, stopping to pepper several more hickies on his skin. He nipped at Richie’s jawline and tugged at his ears with his teeth. Richie’s hand had fallen back to Eddie’s hips and were now pulling them down as he rolled his upwards. Eddie could get off like this. He could cum in his pants like he was a teenager at his first gay bar in college. He won’t, though. He knows where this is going.

After Eddie’s assault on his neck, Richie flips them over and repeats it back to him like a prayer. He dips his head down and leaves a series of open mouthed kisses down Eddie’s jaw, his neck, his shoulders. He is less aggressive with his markings, he sucks at Eddie’s neck longer and the bruises comes back a fainter shade.

Richie sits back and runs his hands up the skin of Eddie’s stomach where his shirt has ridden up. He takes the article of clothing with him, urging Eddie to sit up so he can remove it entirely. When it’s gone, Richie sits back on his heels. He stares at Eddie like a night sky, his glasses askew on his face. The air shifts and the room feels gentle and familiar. Eddie doesn’t really understand this, he’s never felt anything like what he’s feeling now. Nothing about this situation is familiar.

“Fuck, Eddie. You don’t even know,” he whispers, more to himself than to Eddie.

“What don’t I know?” Eddie asks back, feeling Richie run his hands down the center of his chest and then come back up to tweak one of his nipples. Eddie arches his back off the bed and keens lightly.

“How much I want you,” Richie groans, leaning in to capture Eddie’s lips again. This kiss is equal parts passion and fire. Richie settles himself on Eddie and slots himself between the smaller boy’s legs. He rolls his hips once and the new angle changes the sensation entirely, catching Eddie off guard and causing him to groan lowly.

“Then show me, Richie.”

The air charges again and Richie hikes Eddie’s thigh over his and grinds into him like his life depends on it. He breaks the kiss to bite down on Eddie’s collarbone and Eddie shakes under him. Eddie claws at Richie’s shirt, demanding its removal. Richie obliges, sitting back and pulling it over his head. His glasses go with it and end up somewhere on the floor. Now, it’s Eddie’s turn to stare. Richie had gotten tattoos, Eddie knew this from the pictures he’s seen online of _Twenty-Seven Odd Elephants._ His chest has gotten more defined. Richie is in no way muscular, but Eddie can see faint traces of lean muscle dancing under the skin. He finds himself getting caught up in every single minor detail he can.

His view is short lived because Richie is on him again, kissing down Eddie’s chest. He latches onto one of his nipples and sucks, tweaking it between his teeth and drawing noise from Eddie, who arches into him again. Richie slides his hands down Eddies sides and to the front of his jeans where he toys with the button. He lets up on Eddie’s chest and gazes up at him.

“Tell me to –”

“Don’t stop.”

Richie’s gaze lingers a moment longer before long, deft fingers snap the button open and drag the zipper down. Eddie immediately feels pressure release off of his dick. He knew his pants were too tight but he couldn’t bring himself to care before, too wrapped up in everything that is Richie Tozier.

Richie must feel the same because Eddie can see his erection straining against the confines of his jeans. He wants so badly to reach out and fix it, take Richie out into the open and feel him. He doesn’t even get as far as sitting up before Richie shoves him back down by his shoulders roughly.

He yanks Eddie’s jeans off his legs and tosses them among the other abandoned clothes. Eddie is left only in his boxers, his cock tenting in them as if to say _I’m here please touch me!_

Richie doesn’t take the bait, not yet. He lowers himself back down onto Eddie, peppering kisses and bites all across his chest and stomach. It makes Eddie feel weak to fall apart like this at such little contact, but Richie has him like putty in his hands. And those hands are currently working their way down, down, down Eddie’s body and onto the waistband of his underwear. Eddie groans, arching his hips up into a touch that isn’t even there and Richie chuckles. Eddie’s face burns with embarrassment and frustration until Richie kisses his way back up to Eddie’s ear and whispers, “Don’t worry, Eds, I’ve got you.”

Those words send sparks through Eddie’s body. Of course, they go to his dick, still trapped and straining and ridiculously hard, but they also go into his chest. He feels his heart pound and his skin crawl and he _loves_.

Richie reaches out, almost suddenly, and cups Eddie through his boxers. He runs his hand lightly up and down material and Eddie’s eyes roll back in his head at the relief. His mouth hangs open and he hears himself moan Richie’s name more than he’s aware that he’s actually saying it.

From here, things move quick. Before he can even register Richie’s hands on him he feels his boxers being pulled off and he’s suddenly being dragged towards the edge of the bed. He watches Richie climb off and settle on his knees and he feels himself, raw and exposed, in Richie’s hand. Richie pumps him once, twice, three times before taking Eddie into his mouth. This time, Eddie almost screams. He can’t help it, he had no time to prepare for the tight, wet heat that is Richie’s mouth on him and Richie is relentless. He doesn’t go slow, not here. He takes as much of Eddie into his mouth as he can on his first dip and then even more on the second. He keeps up this relentless pace, bobbing his head and hollowing his cheeks. He swirls his tongue around the tip before pulling off with an obscene _pop!_ and licks a long, slow stripe up the underside. Eddie is shaking and panting under him and when he looks down he almost cums at the sight of Richie on his knees with Eddie’s cock resting on his lips and saliva dripping down his chin. The sight is pornographic.

“ _Richie_ , holy _shit_ ” Eddie croaks out. He grabs Richie’s arm before he can drop his head back in and pulls. Richie, thankfully, gets the hint and crawls up Eddie’s body. Now Richie is the one straddling Eddie as they kiss heavily. Eddie pulls on Richie’s arm again, beckoning him to crawl further up the mattress. Richie does and settles on his chest. He gives Eddie a meaningful and confused look before Eddie undoes Richie’s own jeans and pulls him out. His mouth waters at the sight. Richie is longer than Eddie and maybe slightly thicker, impossibly hard and leaking from the pink tip. Eddie reaches around Richie with one arm, grabbing his ass and pulling him forward, and guides Richie into his mouth with the other hand.

Now this, _this_ is a sight. Richie throws his head back onto his shoulders and bites his wrist to keep himself from making noise. He’s arching his back and pushing his hips forward into Eddie’s mouth. He tries but can’t muffle groans and whines fill the air of the room. It doesn’t take long for Eddie to work up a rhythm and eventually he feels Richie’s hips buck in time with his bobs. Eddie can’t take Richie as far down as Richie could take him so he makes up for it with his hand.

After a few minutes of Eddie having a religious experience with his mouth of Richie’s real-life dick, Richie grips the base and pulls away.

“ _Fuck_ , fuck Eds give me a minute I was gonna cum,” he pants out. Eddie smirks at this and kitten licks the tip still in his face. Richie hisses and pulls back, shimming down Eddie’s body and off the bed to kick his own jeans and boxers off.

They stay like that for a second. Richie stands stark naked in Eddie’s childhood bedroom and Eddie lays on his bed, cock hard and leaking against his stomach with his boxers around his thighs. It’s like now, with room to think about the situation, the entire mood has been compromised. Richie stares at Eddie and Eddie stares back.

“I’ve been in love with you for ten years,” he hears himself blurt. Richie’s eyes soften and he crawls back on top of Eddie. Eddie knows the kiss is coming before Richie comes down. This time the kiss is slow, but deep. Richie melts into Eddie and Eddie winds his arms around Richie's shoulders. With Richie like this on top of him, Eddie realizes he’s never felt anything like this before. With Adam it had always been aggressive, possessive, and borderline abusive.

_A harsh, stinging sensation spreads across his face as his head cracks to the side. The world stops spinning for Eddie. It’s like they’re in a stop motion film and someone pressed pause at this exact moment. Eddie and Adam are both on their knees, Eddie’s head permanently turned away, tears in still tracks on his cheeks, Adam’s hand frozen in midair, his eyes locked onto Eddie’s still form. Everything stops so quickly there isn’t even enough time for the red mark to blossom across on his face._

_“Eddie,” Adam’s voice cracks and the world spins again. Time moves as normal. This moment in time will not be immortalized, it will not go down in history. This moment, this first hit, means nothing. They’ll move on from this. Adam holds Eddie on the floor, running his hands through Eddie’s hair and calming his cries. He takes Eddie to bed and the sex is powerful, passionate, possessive. Eddie is his, his, his and no one will ever forget that. Not Adam, not Eddie, no one._

_By the time they fall asleep Adam will have apologized to Eddie thousands of times, justifying himself. He just got worked up, he lost control. He was drinking and it’s hard to think right when you’re drunk. Never mind the fact that Adam had actually cheated, no, because Eddie had provoked him. His boyfriend is unstable, Eddie knows this. He needs Eddie to even him out. Eddie can’t leave. He can’t or else who knows what Adam might do to himself. Adam, after all, is very impulsive._

Here, now, with Richie, Eddie feels safer, more loved, than he’s ever felt in his life.

Eddie breaks the kiss this time, entire body on fire and whispers, “I want you inside me, Rich.”

Richie wastes approximately zero seconds. He grabs his jeans off the ground and riffles through the pockets before producing a small bottle of lube and a condom. He pours a generous amount onto his fingers and leans over Eddie, pressing one against his rim. He slips inside and Eddie relaxes into it. Richie thrusts slowly a few times before adding a second finger and curling, searching inside of Eddie. He scissors his fingers and stretches Eddie out. Eventually, Richie adds a third finger to the mix, finally finding Eddie’s prostate and jamming into it, making Eddie cry out into the room. Richie continues to finger fuck Eddie, going at a respectable pace that has Eddie whimpering with his face turned into the mattress. Richie mouths at his neck the whole time, kissing up and down, soothing.

When they both agree its time, Richie settles between Eddie’s thighs, condom on and slick, and pushes slowly into Eddie. They aren’t as frantic as they were before. This is much more intimate. Richie bottoms outside Eddie and gives him a few moments to adjust. Eddie’s mouth hangs open and breathes hard for a second, nodding at Richie to move. The pace he sets is gentle, loving. He pulls out and pushes back in, slowing rocking Eddie into the mattress.

It works for them for a little while. Richie frames Eddie’s face with his arms and Eddie grips onto Richie’s shoulder blades, moaning softly and meeting his thrusts. Eventually, Richie picks up the pace and Eddie falls apart beneath him.

“Richie, fuck, it’s you. It’s always – been you. I love you, I love you, I love you,” Eddie pants in time with Richie’s thrusts. Richie is so deep in him, so good. He doesn’t remember any other guy feeling this perfect inside of him before. It was like the two of them were made for each other, forged from the stars to fit together like puzzle pieces. Richie just grips his shoulders in response and keeps thrusting.

“I’m never letting you go again,” Richie grunts out, reaching between them to pump Eddie wildly. Any sense of coherency Eddie had is gone, his vision fades to white as he spills all over his stomach and Richie’s chest. Richie follows soon after, spilling into the condom inside of Eddie, riding both of their orgasms out.

They fall asleep tangled together on the bed after a subpar clean up. Richie slides his boxers on and Eddie retrieves an old pair of sweatpants he surprisingly still fits into from his closet.

The next morning Eddie walks Richie to the front door. They don’t have time to talk about the previous night, not with Eddie’s mother and Richie’s parents. They part ways with fond smiles. Eddie wants to push onto his toes and kiss Richie, soft and quick, but he doesn’t. Instead, he watches Richie walk up his street and disappear around the corner.

Eddie’s mother dies on Wednesday morning.

The funeral is on a Sunday, God’s holy day of rest. It’s fitting for Sonia. She loved Eddie, yes, she did, but she also loved God and all he had to offer her. Eddie believed her worship to be flawed, living too closely to the written lines of text, but this wasn’t about him. This was about his mother and her burial. He had to do it properly. She wasn’t perfect, no, but she loved him and he loved her, he did. In the end, that’s all that mattered.

Richie came, too. He stood close by during the wake, held his hand at the burial. He watched as Eddie received condolences by the casket and listened as Eddie read to his mother before she was lowered into the ground. Eddie painted the picture of Sonia Kaspbrak that everyone needed to see: a doting mother and her beloved son. He left out the years of emotional abuse and manipulation. He left out how he hasn’t spoken a word to Sonia in over two years and his own emotional turmoil over this.

“We were never the perfect family and I was never the perfect son, but we were what the other had. I can remember one day coming home from school, I couldn’t have been older than six. I was crying and she wrapped me up in my favorite blanket and let me watch television until I was calm. We ate dinner together and she took me out for ice cream after. This is my favorite memory,” Eddie’s voice catches in his throat, “I think. I was so young and she just wrapped me up and made me feel safe again. She didn’t deserve this.”

Once the punches start rolling, they don’t stop. Eddie handles the life insurance, the estate, and everything he has to. Somethings have to wait, though. He doesn’t decide on what to do with the deed to the house, simply packs it away for later. He knows this means he’ll have to return, but maybe it won’t be as awful the second time around.

He doesn’t see Richie again before he leaves Derry. He can’t stay there forever and he knows it. He has a life back in his little suburban town. He has a job to return to, an apartment to pay rent for. He has a cat who misses him and a best friend who is worried sick. Richie has his family and his friends and his life in LA. He has his band and his tour. He knows he has to go back and he knows the easiest way to do so is exactly how he came: quietly and with little warning.

He triple checks the house for his belongings before leaving. His Aunt Terry drives him back to the airport and kisses his cheek before he boards.

He left the car in the driveway and the window to his bedroom unlocked. On his bed, he left a note that read:

_Richie,_

_I know you’re going to find this, that’s why I left it here and left without saying goodbye. I couldn’t do it, not again. I’m sorry if I broke your heart, I broke mine, too, but I can’t stay here. I think it was always meant to be this way. We have different lives, different paths._

_I love you, Richie Tozier. I always have and I always will. Nothing can change that._

_With regret,  
     Eddie Kaspbrak_

_P.S. 572-895-4700_

_I'm yours, til the earth starts to crumble and the heavens roll away.  
I'm struggling to exist with you and without you. _

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made it this far, thank you. 
> 
> Wow, this was fun to write, but also really hard. This is my first stab at real NSFW so forgive me if it's unrefined or choppy. This is also my first fic thats this long. I would love to hear thoughts on if the plot held up throughout and what made sense. Also, just general opinions of the story!
> 
> Come talk to me at reddie-for-anything.tumblr.com


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